So this is the year I turn 30. I have spent more time thinking about my impending birthday than I ever have for any other year. Not my 18th birthday, not my 21st birthday, just my 30th. Maybe it's because I thought I would be farther along in life, whatever that actually means. Maybe it's because it's a new age group, I will no longer be a twenty-something. But for whatever reason, I feel a huge amount of stress when I think about the fact that I am ALMOST 30. Oh, god... Writing that makes me want to cry, but I really have no idea why. I feel all jumbled up on the subject, I cannot pinpoint why there is a heaviness that resides on my chest when I think about becoming this age. The stress, and sadness that surrounds this age, this number, is so puzzling... and today, while taking out the trash, I wondered if it would be better if I was ALREADY 30.
To me, there is a huge amount of stress associated with ALMOST being something. I'm ALMOST 30, just like I'm ALMOST ready to transfer to another school, just like the day I start my summer nanny gig is ALMOST here. All these things are stressful, but they won't be (at least not as stressful) once they actually happen. Once something has happened there isn't to much too be done about it. Once I transfer I won't have to think about it, once I start my new job I'll learn the routine and feel fine about it, and once I'm 30 there's nothing to be done. No take backs. I can't undo another year gone by, I can only move on from there...
SO, this is why I wish the day was here already. Not looming, not making me feel like there is something I should be doing before hand... NO, I didn't finish that list of books to read before turning 30, but I'll get to it someday. NO, I haven't traveled as much as I would have liked. NO, I haven't finished school. NO, I don't have a career yet. But I'm not going to be able to accomplish any of these things before my birthday, the day the stress of ALMOST disappears, so I may as well be a twenty-something for a few more weeks... I guess I'll worry about it in my 30's.
